Countdown to 2008

Well 2008 isn’t far away and I’ve been thinking about the future. As time passes, the days, weeks, months seem to go quite slowly – seemingly nothing changes, another day at work, another day in uni, the same old things. But if you take a single point in time, a single day and think about how much has changed since that day exactly a year ago so much will be different.

In the last year I feel I have matured, become more independent and changed for the better. I’ve started and finished things, I achieved things which I’ve worked towards for a long time, I’ve progressed. But sometimes I still feel like a child, I can’t really put my finger on what it is but sometimes I just feel so young.

When I think about my life up to now I realise just how much I’ve really achieved, I didn’t have the best start in life – the first 13 years are a time which I don’t think about, I’ve pushed from my mind, its a time that I never want to remember or re-live, bad things happened in those years which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

But as bad as those times were they didn’t beat me, I got through it and came out the other side fighting. It was then that I decided that I wasn’t going to settle for just anything – I wanted to achieve, to succeed and to make people proud.

I went to an inner-city comprehensive school where many of my classmates didn’t really want to be there and the emphasise wasn’t always on learning. But I worked hard, put my heart and soul into my education and it felt good, I felt alive. I don’t really remember when I chose medicine but it seems to have always been what I’ve been working towards – I picked GCSE’s and A-Level’s which would give me the best chance of getting into medical school – I had something to work towards and I thrived on it. Exams came and went and things were good. I went to uni, the years progressed and now here I am.

I don’t know where the enthusism went, the drive to succeed just isn’t there anymore. Its gradually faded away and now instead of having a goal and a reason I’m just plodding along on a predefinded path. I need to find my motivation again, rediscover the reason I’m doing it. So I’m taking a year out of medicine from January. I’m intercalating – doing an extra year in a field related to but not wholly medicine – its in a topic which really interests me, a topic which I can read about and feel inspired and enthusiastic to learn. I’m hoping its whats going to push me back into medicine again and give me that reason to continue.

Only time will tell if it helps but I really hope it does. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved so far in life and I really hope I can be proud of whats to come.

All the best for the 2008.

SD

We’ve come so far, we’ve reached so high
And we’ve looked each day and night in the eye
And we’re still so young, and we hope for more
But remember this
We’re not invincible

Duvet day

Today was very uneventful. I essentially just had a duvet day but without the actual duvet. I slobbed around, sorted a few things and explored some xmas presents a little bit. Holidays are great – I love not having to set an alarm or get up for anything. The only problem is that I tend to turn noctural – hence me writing this at 2am!

Is it strange that I prefer to be awake when everyone else is asleep? The problem with being awake at this time is that it gives your brain time to ponder over things which at the current state of play probably isn’t the best idea in the world.

I don’t really have much planned for the rest of the holidays, I’ll probably go back to uni sometime just after the new year – 2 weeks back here is enough for anyone! I might even attempt to pick up some shifts at work if I can muster the energy. I need to send some emails and sort some things out for next year – but I’m putting that off for now.

Anyway, I guess I should at least attempt to get some sleep before sunrise.

Take care

SD

A new beginning

I have no valid reason for why I have not updated this for 7 months other than the fact that I lost interest and gave up.

I have decided that I am going to become a regular blogger and use this for what I intended it – to reflect on what I do and hopefully learn a few things about myself over time. How long this will last and how successful it will be I have no idea but I am determined to try.

Much has happened over the last few months, some important decisions have been made and I’m still not sure I made the right choices. I had a few weeks off in August which gave me time to think about uni and various other things, for a while I’ve not felt that I’m on the right track, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing and whether I really want to continue. I came very close to quitting medicine and almost walked away. I didn’t go, I’m still here plodding away but it’s more out of fear than because I actually feel any different about my future.

How can I just quit? I’ve been here for over 3 years, I’ve put so much into this, finantially and emotionally, how can I just want to walk away? I don’t know why I feel like I do, I can’t really explain it or pin it down to any time or event it just seems to have crept up on me over a period of time.

How do you tell people that that is it? Friends, family, coursemates? How can I look my friends in the eye who have tried so hard for a place on a medical course and not got in? How can I justify it? What would I do if I left, where would I go, what would I do, what would people think?

Everyone around me seems so enthusiastic, so sure that they know what they want to do and are dead set on getting on there and I don’t really care anymore, theres no motivation to get out of bed in a morning, no desire to do any work, nothing drawing me to read or learn.

I just am, I exist, I function. I don’t live, I don’t thrive, I have no will to succeed. I don’t deserve to be here.

So far I’m still on the course, I’ve just passed the latest set of exams – thanks to last minute revision with a friend.

No one truely knows how I feel and I don’t really know who/how to tell anyone, and I’m not really sure I want to. So I’ll just keep going, head down and trudge on doing the bare minimum and see where I end up.

Your guess is as good as mine as to whether I’ll still be here in 3 or 6 months time, I guess only time will tell.

Stay safe.

SD